Satirical View on Phone Sex

On-line relationships. They are everywhere, in all forms. On all levels. I have had a few. I have a few. On various levels. But what happens when you take that on-line relationship one step further? I’m talking about the ultimate experience of a long distance relationship where two can merge emotionally and share physical feelings without any physical contact with each other. I’m talking about phone sex.

So you meet what you think is the nicest person on-line, and over time you share all kinds of things. You know each other as well as you know yourselves. He or she is fast becoming someone you want to spend lots of time with. Then comes the big question. “Can I call you?” And with all the heated exchanges you shared on-line, you now think the call will lead to phone sex. There goes the comfort level.

How bad could it be to chat on the phone and possibly share an intimate moment or two with someone? I have accepted this proposal a few times, and each was different. There are simply some people who are better left coming to you through a computer screen, and some you wish you had talked to a whole lot sooner. We all connect to people in various ways. On-line and off-line. But you have to remember, the walls or comfort level will disappear in time. Now you have to interpret what they are saying through the inflection in their voice, and not with the use of punctuation or smiley faces. Lots of people can do this. Some cannot. There are those who can make you swoon or make you wet or hard with a simple exchange of words on-line, but get them on the phone, and you suddenly feel as if you are with a telemarketer, who is trying hard to sell you something.

I have been talking to one guy in particular for several years, four years in fact, as he constantly reminds me. We met while I monitored a sex chat room for one of the big Internet Companies. So naturally the dialog in this room allowed us to exchange all kinds of intimate information easily. The sex chat rooms promoted all kinds of dialogs and the sharing of sexual information was in abundance. Nothing held back. We eventually reached a point in our relationship where it was decided we needed and wanted to take the next step. Of course we both came to this conclusion at different times, and not together. We did eventually share this very intimate act over the phone, and I have no regrets. The sharing of phone sex was something we stumbled on to very naturally. And with each call we share, we get more comfortable. And as with anything we do in life, there are always ways to improve or learn from others. I would like to share a few tips for those who might be considering this experience. And by no means am I an expert. I have learned from my own experience and from others.

One of the great things about talking online for many people is the lack of, or limited boundaries. There are no walls for most. You can be as honest as you want, or you can add spice and lots of flavorings. There are no rules. For most. Photos also fly over the Internet wires. One only hopes they are getting the realistic view of the one they have come to bond with.

For example, I had a friend who met and chatted frequently with a man who complained about his working 60+ hours a week in a huge law firm. He simply had no time for the simple pleasures in life, so he would log onto his computer at his office desk and she would entertain him, meeting some of his sexual needs. She was his only outlet, or so he said. When he did mail her a photo, it was a picture of a guy who obviously worked out many hours a week, and tanned in a salon as much. That relationship ended real quick.

My point here with this story, it’s truly more fun having the person’s image in your head when you are engaging in mutual masturbation over the phone. I like knowing what the guy looks like who is asking me to tell him how I would ‘ride’ him. I want to know it’s physically possible. This may not be a concern for those who are truly just there for the “getting off.” So if you think there’s a chance photos might be swapped, be honest.

Ok, so you have connected off-line, and things seem to be going well. Remember though, this was the person who made you hot through a computer screen. This was the person who typed out all those things that made you want to wrap your legs around the computer screen and pump it frantically. The person who told you what they wanted to do to you if only they had the chance. So now what? How do we go transition from extremely sexual and hot IM’s or emails, to simple conversations about the kids and the job, and then back to the hot dialog you want to happen over the phone?

It’s not always easy. I had a person call me once who jumped right into telling me how he wanted to pull off my panties and do me. I had just returned from doctors visit for a pap smear. Rule of thumb: Timing is everything. Make sure you both agree on the right time to call. It’s always nice to enjoy some simple chat at first too. Now I am not saying you have to discuss the dogs visit to the vet that am, but it’s always nice to see how their day has been. Setting the mood. It seems to me it’s a good thing to call when you are both relaxed. There is nothing fun about feeling stressed and now having to perform over the phone.

I can only imagine the poor person after a lengthy period of erotic dialog sitting on the other end of the phone thinking to themselves “I wish they would cum, because I have a dentist appointment in 20 minutes.” If you are uncomfortable being honest and saying ‘this is not going to happen’, then I would recommend ‘faking’ at this point. It saves you the aggravation of trying climax when you can’t, saves a few phone bill dollars, which in the end may help add more calls heading your way, and think of the poor person who really does have something to do. And for those of you who do have plans, you might want to think about making the call when you really have time. No one wants to hear, “I only have five minutes, lets go for it.” Quickies only work off-line. This is real life. People don’t always perform on command.

It’s always a good thing when you are comfortable using words that usually turn someone on. For example, you can’t go from asking him to “fuck your pussy” in online chat or emails, to “please put your penis in my vagina” when on the phone. It’s not going to work. You can’t land a fish with inadequate bait. If you have to, practice saying the words out loud. Be consistent in the dialog. Use the words that turn your partner on. Maybe there are some people who turn to gel over the word ‘vagina.’ Know what your phone sex partner likes. Don’t drag out whip and chains in your dialog if you know your partner is not into that. He or she might get frightened and hang up. ‘What could he be thinking, I never told him I liked threesomes!’

It’s also a good idea for those of you who have more than one phone sex partner to keep track of who likes what. Keep a notebook by the phone if you have to. I wouldn’t want to be confused with your other lover who you are sharing a bi-sexual relationship with. Don’t ask me to do things with a penis I don’t have. It’s always good to allow your partner some insight into things you enjoy about sex before you share on the phone, and again honesty is key. How uncomfortable would your partner be if all along in on-line chats you were the romantic knight on the white horse, who whisked her away for a night of passion, and now suddenly the only way for you to achieve a climax is to tell her you want to tie her up and drip hot wax on her?

It’s also a pleasure when the dialog plays out what might really be happening or going on if you were both really together. And it helps if it’s realistic. It would be an instant turnoff if the dialog starts out slow, and within minutes you are now climaxing and your partner is still thinking about getting started. Unless of course you are both into rapid sex. You can’t possibly be able to suck on my toes and then my neck and then lick the back of my thighs all within seconds. I’ll get dizzy with all the rapid movement. Keep on track.

And lastly, unless you are in this just to get someone off, which is admiral to some, you have to be able to feel comfortable in being able to masturbate or at least touch yourself. Now you may laugh, but I have known people who truly had no idea. “He asked me to tell him if I was wet. How would I know, I was dressed and in my office.” I’m selfish. I want to share in the experience.

You have spent time online getting to know one another. Taking the next step, for some is a big step, for others a walk in the park. It’s an intimate act that two people can share, or more if you are doing a party line thing. Phone sex is a great way to act out mutually shared fantasies, or a way to introduce your partner to things that might turn you on. It does get easier as time passes, and with each call you share. Sharing a climax over the phone is a very cool thing.

Being able to get someone to this point through phone wires can be a challenge, but one worth the effort. Whatever your comfort level is, try to learn to enjoy it. Sometimes that’s all we get. Make it worth it. I can’t imagine life without it now. And one final thought, don’t forget to laugh when it’s appropriate. Sometimes a chuckle or two helps ease the tension that might exist.